Lost Spring
by SilentTrainConductor
Summary: Hutch's after thoughts on his doings in the eppy "Partners"


_A/N: Thoughts for the eppy "Partners". Hope you enjoy. Oh! Also, if anyone would be wlling to help me with my chaptered story I would be very, very grateful. I know my grammer is horrible, and I want my next fic to be in prime shape. Thank you for listening now on to..._

**Lost Spring**

How is it that I feel this way? This feeling is right down in the pit of my stomach. It's a pain that I have never experienced so strongly before. A pain that I have had in small doses before, but never realized…never thought…never…never…

Everyone's wondering why. Why did you do it Hutch?

How could you?

Right now, I'm alone at home, trembling.

I don't know why.

I thought I did, but after seeing the look in your eyes Starsk. All my excuses went away.

Starsky, you forgave me. Quickly. I don't why you did either. I've never known anyone as forgiving as you…maybe that's why I kept going…to keep you from being angry at me.

But when you, you…lit up with joy because I supposedly remembered? I couldn't keep lying to you buddy. It would hurt much worse.

You forgave me.

Why?

I think I know why I did it now. I was scared, the plague had come so close to taking my life, but I beat that. The plague was something that didn't come up everyday.

But this! This was a regular car chase, one that is in our schedule, our routine, our pattern. I was enjoying the soft, soothing caress of spring. I was at peace. Suddenly we get the call, here we go. I remember thinking, another chase. I was upset about losing spring, I remember, no more cool breeze, just sweat and anxiety.

Right now it hurts. To remember, I shouldn't be doing this! I shouldn't be trying to justify my actions! I was cruel! I was selfish. Oh God, how I was selfish.

I got to see a side of you buddy. I got to see you through different eyes. It was something new for me, because even though we never hold any barriers, we always tend to forget…and not bring up the subject. We're both scared that way. We can't keep on going if we relived every past hurt.

And so I listened, amazed, but still trying to come off as uncaring. I wanted to know Starsk, you have to understand, and I wanted to hear what you had to say. You were so brave buddy! I don't know how….but…but…you were.

You spoke slowly about each time I was hurt, and how I always managed to pull through. I was ashamed to hear it. Here I was, pretending to be with amnesia, and there was pride in your voice. Pride for me.

I didn't care about each time you brought up memories about…about…the needle. I didn't care about Gillian.

Let me feel pain, let me get my punishment this way. Much easier than seeing you hurt. It came either way, and I hadto hearyou speak of Terry, and how you were thankful for me. For me!

I'm crying buddy.

Why am I crying?

Because I hurt you, when you didn't nothing but try to help me.

I betrayed you.

My damn idiotic fault! You should have never forgiven me Starsky, I'm not worth it. You'll see it, just like everyone else. I don't know why it's taking you longer, but you'll see.

I will always screw things up; I thought I was so careful? I love you, buddy. I don't want to lose you.

Terry's note reminded me of her entrusting you to me. I can't do it Starsky. Look at what I've done.

What if I do it again Starsk? Will you forgive me then? How many mistakes can you take?

I would promise I won't do it again. But I don't know if I can. I'm changing, and it's scaring me, I need your help.

But I don't deserve it.

I'll do anything for you Starsky.

Anything. You have to remember that. Sometimes I don't, but you always do, and you have to!

Or else…I don't know where I would be.

Gone.

Yes, I need you, and you keep me. I don't know why, you are so much kinder than me. You are so much more loving…you get annoyed and angry, but you let it be when it comes to me.

I get angry for a little bit…and…

It just hurts too much, I'm sobbing now. Into my pillow. Here only I can hear myself, here I can break and you can't put the pieces back together.

No…no…I hear you calling for me, wanting to talk.

Stay quiet Hutchison, he won't hear you. Stay. Quiet.

The key goes into the lock, I really should change that key's hiding place; everyone knows where it is. I try to calm my tears; I don't want you to see me like this. I don't want to hurt you anymore. Can't you see? I can get hurt, but you…you don't deserve to.

"Hutch? You in here" I squeeze my eyes shut, firmly, wiping away the tears that ran down quickly. Should I answer? Should I just keep quiet? Would Starsky worry more if I did answer and he saw me like this? Or if I didn't and he found me like this?

"In here." I croaked out. "Just getting some shut eye." Starsky came into the doorway and I smiled at him, but I know he saw right through me.

"All of that whistle blowing sure gets a person tired." I kept on smiling, ignoring Starsky's reproachful look. "You'd think Dobey would have let us off by now."

"Yea…especially with that crick in your neck." Thank you. Thank you for not pushing. I can keep pretending if you can. Thank you.

"Boy you can say that again" I held my hand against the back of my neck and made an exaggerated show of rolling it. I winced slightly and froze as Starsky made his way over to my side.

He sat down, and then reached over to get my pillow. I watched him silently and raised my eyebrow in response to his questioning look.

"What?"

"It's wet."

"Yea it's wet…" I nodded, my mind quickly searing for a lie, "Must've drooled as I was sleeping." Starsky smiled and made an "oh" sound; I could tell he didn't buy it. He put it back and patted it, I kept watching silently. I was reminded of the time when my mother had found me awake reading under the book covers even when she told me not to.

I had been caught.

I felt you hugging me, and squeezing as hard as you did with Gillian. I know, I remember how it comforted me then. It's not now.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I don't deserve you buddy. I don't…

"Hutch" you whisper into my hair "You're the best friend I've got, ok? I forgive you. Buddy…I forgive you." I break. I tug back at you and bite my lip to keep from sobbing, letting only tears escape my walls.

"Starsky…I don't…"

"Of course you do buddy, you're human, just like me. We forgive each other. That's what we do. You made a mistake, everyone does." I look up at him, my eyes quickly searching his. How could he be so….forgiving?

"For you schweetheart, I'll do anything." He answered back, squeezing me tighter.

Me too, Starsky, me too, please don't let me forget.

"Just like you'll do anything for me Hutch."

Thank you.

For reminding me.

Thank you.


End file.
